butch · butch/femme · femme · lesbian

Butch/Femme Sex

This post is prompted by a conversation I had this morning about Stone “identity”.

Firstly, it’s not an identity and should never be considered an identity.  The idea that being stone is a badge of honour or something to take pride in, is nonsense. Conversely, it also isn’t something to be ashamed of or to feel bad about!!! That would be feeling shame about feeling shame!!! Rather, being stone is a form of sexual dysfunction that is an aspect of butch dysphoria.

For a real butch perspective I recommend reading this post written by a butch friend of mine who knows what she is talking about. I can only give you the femme perspective.

For us, it can mean years of confusion, frustration and guilt. It can, and many times has, torn butch/femme relationships apart. One of the most frustrating aspects is that there are no butch/femme relationship councillors. We (my partner and I) become lovers when we were 19. We had ZERO sexual experience and had nobody to talk to and saw no reflection of ourselves in any media. I went looking and what I found was worse than having no information. I found “stone pride” and fucked up erotica written by straight women. NOT helpful.

What I really want to address in this post is guilt. That constant self questioning and self criticism. For femmes it goes like this: Is it me? Did I do something wrong? Does she think I don’t find her attractive? Did I hurt her? Did I say/do the wrong thing? Why is our sex life not like it is in the lesbian books/films/fanfiction? Why does she freeze? What did I do wrong? Am I “pulling my weight” in the bedroom? Should I have touched her more? Should I have touched her less? Should I be more insistent? Should I be less insistent?How do I let her know that I desire her without putting pressure on her? On and on it goes. We see the guilt mirrored in our butches’ eyes. We want something that they feel they can’t give us, and they know it.

Communication is key, but it’s not always possible. It’s fucking hard. Especially for young couples.

See, I can understand why stone as an identity is easy for butches and femmes. It implies that nothing is wrong, it means that there is no problem in the bedroom that needs to be fixed. It means that a butch doesn’t have to challenge her comfort zone and a femme doesn’t have to worry about it being her fault, something she did wrong etc. However, like all problems, ignoring it is the easy option and it won’t go away. Trust me, it’s a problem worth addressing and it can be manage. I don’t say overcome, because that would mean that there is an easy fix, some kind of “cure”. There isn’t, but with communication, time and patience on both sides, it’s worth the effort. Why? Better sex, more intimacy, and a healthy and stronger relationship!!!

There are no magic solutions. Be kind to yourself and your partner, and don’t give up.





15 thoughts on “Butch/Femme Sex

  1. You know, the more I think about it the more this isn’t really sitting quite right with me. Why should my ultimate sexual healing goal be the ability to get fucked? Why is there an assumption that something is wrong that I have to fix when I am so much more comfortable like this? Yes, it’s from trauma and butch dysphoria, but I don’t think self acceptance is a bad thing.

    I also read the butch perspective that you linked to and I didn’t relate to it at all because she framed being stone as a sort of fragile masculinity that is threatened by fear of femmes taking our power away and I’ve never had that problem/view. It’s not my partner’s I fear.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Lesbians aren’t “masculine”; so if “fragile masculinity” is what you think the linked post meant in any way, you missed the point entirely.

      Plus, neither this post nor the linked post even mentioned the goal being “the ability get fucked” (especially if you meant that in a penetrative sense).

      It is always interesting to see how some people react VERY defensively to the topic. If something causes such a knee-jerk reaction — especially without listening to what is actually being said — it is time to consider that maybe a nerve has been touched.


  2. Great post. It is a difficult subject to talk about and a difficult subject for both Butches and Femmes to deal with. I appreciate you explaining what it feels like to be on the Femme side of the Stone Butch equation. So many “experts” (not!) will tell us that we should be happy and respect Stone Butch as an “identity”. It’s not, and the unbalanced power and underlying dynamics in this situation are sure to eventually bite couples in the ass if left unaddressed.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the feedback! I feel like I’m going out on a limb when talking about butch/femme experience. There is so little out there that rings true, so much BS. Every lesbian has their own experience, real genuine lives, but we are being rendered invisible by all the layers of “queer” i.e. straight false narratives. They played a destructive role in my life (in the way in which I saw myself and my relationship within the context of “queer”) and I want to counter them as much as possible. Historical records have meaning and each story is part of that tapestry. Blogs are a good start.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. This may be off topic but I’m trying to fit it in under something as similar as I can. What about a stud who plans on having another baby because the first child she had was via rape which she became pregnant from. Other than that she hasn’t been penetrated for over 10 yrs. It would always confuse me when my ex would talk about having another baby girl “the next time” She’d have to be penetrated more than once for that to happen because some women don’t get pregnant on the first try :/ that wouldn’t even make her stud anymore would it? I mean she’s planning on having sex more than once with a man. I don’t get that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Honestly, I’m not really familiar with the meaning of “stud”. But I do know that lesbians would find another way to get pregnant if they so desire. Though tbh I don’t know any lesbians interested in having kids at all.


      1. Some straight women who have seen sexually abused identify as lesbain. Obviously not saying that’s necessarily the situation here because I don’t know her.


      2. Sometimes I didn’t know either with her. But she was sexually abused alot as a child. One minute she’s saying it’s possible she may have made this decision because of that and then there are times she says she’s known since she was 8 yrs old :/

        Liked by 1 person

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