This post is prompted by a conversation I had this morning about Stone “identity”.
Firstly, it’s not an identity and should never be considered an identity. The idea that being stone is a badge of honour or something to take pride in, is nonsense. Conversely, it also isn’t something to be ashamed of or to feel bad about!!! That would be feeling shame about feeling shame!!! Rather, being stone is a form of sexual dysfunction that is an aspect of butch dysphoria.
For a real butch perspective I recommend reading this post written by a butch friend of mine who knows what she is talking about. I can only give you the femme perspective.
For us, it can mean years of confusion, frustration and guilt. It can, and many times has, torn butch/femme relationships apart. One of the most frustrating aspects is that there are no butch/femme relationship councillors. We (my partner and I) become lovers when we were 19. We had ZERO sexual experience and had nobody to talk to and saw no reflection of ourselves in any media. I went looking and what I found was worse than having no information. I found “stone pride” and fucked up erotica written by straight women. NOT helpful.
What I really want to address in this post is guilt. That constant self questioning and self criticism. For femmes it goes like this: Is it me? Did I do something wrong? Does she think I don’t find her attractive? Did I hurt her? Did I say/do the wrong thing? Why is our sex life not like it is in the lesbian books/films/fanfiction? Why does she freeze? What did I do wrong? Am I “pulling my weight” in the bedroom? Should I have touched her more? Should I have touched her less? Should I be more insistent? Should I be less insistent?How do I let her know that I desire her without putting pressure on her? On and on it goes. We see the guilt mirrored in our butches’ eyes. We want something that they feel they can’t give us, and they know it.
Communication is key, but it’s not always possible. It’s fucking hard. Especially for young couples.
See, I can understand why stone as an identity is easy for butches and femmes. It implies that nothing is wrong, it means that there is no problem in the bedroom that needs to be fixed. It means that a butch doesn’t have to challenge her comfort zone and a femme doesn’t have to worry about it being her fault, something she did wrong etc. However, like all problems, ignoring it is the easy option and it won’t go away. Trust me, it’s a problem worth addressing and it can be manage. I don’t say overcome, because that would mean that there is an easy fix, some kind of “cure”. There isn’t, but with communication, time and patience on both sides, it’s worth the effort. Why? Better sex, more intimacy, and a healthy and stronger relationship!!!
There are no magic solutions. Be kind to yourself and your partner, and don’t give up.